We Were So Happy on Holiday. What Happened?
A week after returning from a great vacation, life can already feel grey, dull and frustrating at the same time.
Maybe we booked our flights to get the maximum out of our time off work. We came back Sunday and had to start work again the next day. The suitcase is still not unpacked. Mail and chores have been piling up. People are making demands of us again and routine has its tight grip on our reality.
And the worst part: even though we and our partners might be experiencing the same back-to-reality disappointment, we add to each other's distress by pissing each other off on top of everything.
A week ago we were sipping margaritas by a pool, making out at the beach, and seeing the world together. Now we’re back to fighting about inconsequential nonsense like who empties the dishwasher and takes out the trash.
Was it all fake? It certainly wasn't a dream. We’ve got pictures to prove it.
But who was it that went on that holiday? It couldn't possibly have been us. And if it was, what the hell happened? Can we only be happy and content on vacation? Should we increase vacation time just to catch a break from the reality in which we fight and drive each other insane? Why can't we be like that all the time? If only my partner could be like the one I met on holiday. They were so sweet, caring, funny, and exciting. Why can't they keep that up at home?
Sound familiar?
I’m not a doctor, but it looks like you’re suffering from vacation-detox. Maybe because you’re treating the holiday as an exception and everyday life as the reality. But what if the exception tells us something useful?
The holiday changed the conditions of the relationship. You were living differently. Different things were being asked of you. You had different opportunities to see and respond to each other.
And now that you’re back, you have a choice. You can mourn for that time or become curious about which differences mattered.
Let's looks at a few examples:
Practical demands of daily life? - vanished on holiday!
One of the great things about going on holiday is that we leave everyday responsibilities behind. At home there are a million tiny expectations and demands on our attention.
What will we have for dinner?
Who does the laundry and is there enough soap left to do it?
Who picks up the dry cleaning on the way home?
And how do we get the kids to school on time, making sure they’re clothed, fed and watered?
Many of those questions provide a bunch of material for fights, frustration and resentment. Especially if we feel overwhelmed, don't feel like our partner is pulling their weight or that our efforts are not seen and appreciated.
But then, finally, we go on holiday.
Maybe even to an all-inclusive hotel or a fully organised trip where everything is taken off our hands. All we have to do is just exist and be there and we’ll be shuffled into busses and restaurants. Unless you’ve booked a no-plan spontaneous adventure holiday, life on most vacations is more relaxed and carefree. Which for many is the entire point of going.
Maybe part of what changed wasn't how much you loved each other. It was how much you constantly needed from each other.
Personal time inside shared time
Now, because on a holiday we don't have so many responsibilities and demands on us, we can finally relax.
There's a reason why every airport has bookshops. We finally get some time to read. To just be with us. Our partner might sit next to us, but we’re in our own worlds. Shared silence. Not because we don't have anything to say to each other, but because we don't have to.
We enjoy being together with the person we chose, but we’re left to ourselves. Similar to what developmental psychology calls parallel play in children. We don't need to play with the same toy, but it's nice to be in each other's presence.
Sharing time without interacting with each other can be serious quality time. But back in normal life we generally have less downtime. And when we see each other only after work, we easily get stuck in admin mode. Things need to be talked about, organised and dealt with.
On holiday, we actually did things together
We tend to try to make the best of our time on vacation together. We go sightseeing, try new foods we’ve never heard of and take part in activities that we’d never do at home. We explore, we get lost, we laugh even though things go wrong.
Going on vacation with someone lets us share the experience and gives us memories that we can draw on for years.
Think: Do you remember the funny haircut of the waiter at that tiny café at that beach in the middle of nowhere?
These little micro-stories become part of a couple's shared history: things only the two of you remember in quite the same way.
In contrast, at home we can spend enormous amounts of energy maintaining a shared life while having relatively few novel experiences within it.
We go to our separate workplaces and then get home only to be too tired to talk about anything more exciting than life-admin. We eat the same foods because that's what we know how to cook and are happy to fall into bed without anything out of the ordinary happening that might keep us up past our bedtime.
On holiday, we got to see different sides of each other
Ask yourself:
How often do I get to see my partner really excited about something in a normal work week?
And how often are you genuinely excited in front of your partner?
A break from routine, aka a holiday, can bring out different sides of our personalities. More curiosity, playfulness, an adventure-seeking spirit, goofiness, sociability, or perhaps even a little sexiness?
Maybe you dressed nicer because there was an occasion and jogging pants were frowned upon.
Maybe not having to be an adult all the time made you feel more playful, maybe even a little like a kid again.
Or maybe you were genuinely interested and therefore excited about something that was new to you.
Perhaps your partner didn't magically become more attractive, funny, or interesting on holiday. Instead, the circumstances allowed those parts of them to appear, and in turn, gave you more opportunity to notice them.
Have you ever met someone on vacation, a holiday flirt and later noticed that once you’re back home, the spark quickly disappeared? Neither version of them is the whole person. Maybe you’re just discovering different parts of their personality under very different circumstances.
But before we all quit our jobs and move into an all-inclusive resort...
Be realistic. You cannot recreate two weeks in Thailand in a workweek in Berlin in November. And you don't have to.
The goal isn't to recreate your holiday, but to learn from it.
Just packing your already stressful life with a bunch of new activities and demands to be creative and spontaneous probably won't go over well nor last long. And as much as it's annoying, someone eventually has to confront the suitcase that has been sitting there since Sunday.
And then go unload the dishwasher.
Don't just miss it. Learn from it.
What can we actually bring home?
Maybe the holiday taught you that sharing a coffee together in the morning was a great way to start your day.
Maybe you realise how much fun it is to do something together that neither of you has tried before.
Or maybe you notice how much you enjoyed spending time together without having to interact all the time.
What can't disappear, but could work differently?
Some things can't be eliminated and simply need to get done, whether we like it or not. But it's worth exploring how much those daily demands affect us, and how.
Do the same daily demands bother both of you in the same way?
Is there maybe something that's a constant drain on your partner that you never knew about?
What did the holiday merely cover up, rather than resolve?
If you constantly fight about the dishwasher, then spending two weeks only eating in restaurants hasn't solved the dishwasher problem.
The things that stress you out in daily life may be difficult to change. But what happens between you and how you respond to that still needs attention.
Remember, explanation is not justification.
If some of those questions open up something that feels difficult to untangle on your own or together, relationship counselling can give you space to explore it further.
So, was the holiday version of us fake?
Maybe holiday-you sipping margaritas wasn't fake. Everyday-you isn't the only real version either.
Different circumstances bring different things out of us and between us.
Instead of asking why you can't be like that all the time, ask what was different when you were.
You probably can't bring Thailand home with you. But you might be able to bring home something more useful than the tan.